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Readings by Lilmayflower

Fanfiction by blue-elven-scholar

Literature by kanameitatchi09


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Submitted on
August 28, 2011
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"Shhh, it's okay," I whispered.

America's head rested in my lap; eyes overflowing with tears.

I looked down at him with a kind smile."I know I don't come over often enough but–"

A loud booming of thunder ripped through the air. Quick, bright flashes of light briefly illuminated the entire room.

"But," I continued, "you need to fight your fear of thunderstorms. As much as I want to be here with you all the time, I can't always comfort you when ever a storm comes."

Rain pelted against the window pane. The harsh wind forced the trees' branches to scratch the side of the house. The candle that laid next to me on the floor flickered in response to America's quick movement. He stared up at me. His dull blue eyes were swimming in tears; screaming with fears.

"I know, I know." I stroked his soft golden strands of hair through my fingers. "Even though you're all grown up now, you still have the heart of the child I once knew."

America's sobs tried to escape through his mouth but the duct tape wouldn't allow it.

My chest burned. What was I thinking? I CAN always comfort him. I'll make sure of it.

I kissed the top of his head smelling the lavender shampoo he always used.  "Don't worry. I won't leave you ever again."

America tightly shut his eyes. Poor thing. The storm really is too frightening for him. I caressed his cheek to comfort him but he flinched away from my touch. His movements became more violent; no longer just squirming.

He tried to free his hands from the metal bracelets I gave him. He tried to free his legs from the rope blanket I gave him. He tried to free his eyes from my face but I wouldn't let him.

I wrapped my hand around his chin and forced it up toward my face. "You were too young to make those kinds of decisions. You didn't really want independence. No! Of course not! Children never know what's best for them, that's why WE adults take care of YOU kids."

I leaned in; our foreheads touched. "You were too young to live on your own. You were too young to know any better. You were too young to know how much you hurt me. YOU WERE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT ME!" I removed my hand from his chin and his head fell to my lap.

I could feel tears run down from my eyes. I quickly wiped them away; we can't have two of us crying.

More thunder roared. America's whimpers and failed screams rang painfully in my ears.

"Shhh, shhh." I put his head against my chest. "It's just thunder. Thunder is all it is," I chanted. "It really hurts me to see you suffer like this."

I could feel his body shake. His heart ran wildly in his chest. Tears never ceased. I could feel it. His pain. His sorrow. His fear.

I rocked back and forth on the hard wooden floor refusing to let my child-hearted boy go. I won't let him leave me this time. No, no. Never again.

"I won't leave you and you won't leave me. Yes. We'll be together always. We'll love each other always. We'll eat together always. You'll stay a child always. You'll be with me ALWAYS!"
I wanted to practice some writing so I did this =) I was inspired by *Arkham-Insanity's crazy iggy ♥

So here's a little background information that lead to this scene:

America came home from a long day of work at Neinscape hospital and finds England at his house sitting on a sofa waiting for him, again. England comes over often to check up on America; making sure he's okay. England goes to make some tea and has a chat with America. It begins to storm and America brings up how he remembers being afraid of thunderstorms as a child. This triggered England's crazy(The other countries knew that England thought he could 'see things' like fairies but they always brushed it off). He starts getting out of control and it eventually leads to the scene of him trying to 'comfort' America during the storm. At some point, America is freed and England is checked in as a patient at the hospital he works at. England isn't upset that he's a patient at a hospital because he is always with America.

Hope you guys like it even though it's short ^__^
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:iconollieissexy:
Ollieissexy Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014
"Rain pelted against the window pane. The harsh wind forced the trees' branches to scratch the side of the house. The candle that laid next to me on the floor flickered in response to America's quick movement. He stared up at me. His dull blue eyes were swimming in tears; screaming with fears."

Me: aww.....

"I know, I know." I stroked his soft golden strands of hair through my fingers. "Even though you're all grown up now, you still have the heart of the child I once knew."

Me: AWWWWW ~ 

"America's sobs tried to escape through his mouth but the duct tape wouldn't allow it."

Me: Wait what. WHAT. I - WHAT. 
Reply
:iconxxkawaii-pandaxx:
xXKawaii-PandaXx Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2012
I thought this was innocent and sweet until i read DUCT TAPE. Then I re-read it 3 times to make sure I read that right. I love how you added in the crazy so suddenly.
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012
I love twists =D I'm glad you like it ^__^
Reply
:iconsamsalthehero:
SamSaltheHero Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I started reading with a smile and was thinking, "Awww! England is SO sweet when he lets himself be...!" and then I saw the word handcuffs and my face promptly turned into O.e ...Anyways, great job, it took me by surprise. xD
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012
Thank you =D I like to twist things =P
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:iconedluvwin:
EdLuvWin Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2011
FIRST I WAS LIKE :icontardplz: because of the oddness of America bawling in England's lap.
THEN I WAS LIKE :iconwhatisthisplz: because of the odd bondage stuff.
THEN I WAS LIKE :icongetawayplz: at the end.

Then I cried from the weird sadness that overcame me.

Other than that, bueno! <:3 I'm sure you've heard this a ton already, but way to make it seem normal and then twist it suddenly! I really like that in a story~ 8D
Reply
:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011
Thank you so much :hug: I love twists; keeps you on your toes ^__^
Reply
:iconstar-girl-twenty-one:
star-girl-twenty-one Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Is it bad that I cried...? Poor Alfy. I feel so bad for him. I loved the touch of the American Revolution as well, it's what I'm learning about in American History class.
:iconchibiamericaplz:
Reply
:iconmegaanimefreak7:
MegaAnimeFreak7 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2011  Student Digital Artist
i like the story, but i hate that you made iggy crazy. he wasn't even speaking in his English drawl (please don't hate me for saying this)!! >.<
Reply
:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2011
I'm glad you like the story and it's okay that you don't like how I made Iggy crazy ^__^ You're welcome to your own opinion.
Reply
:iconmegaanimefreak7:
MegaAnimeFreak7 Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2011  Student Digital Artist
it was cute though
Reply
:iconmegaanimefreak7:
MegaAnimeFreak7 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2011  Student Digital Artist
"He tried to free his hands from the metal bracelets I gave him. He tried to free his legs from the rope blanket I gave him. He tried to free his eyes from my face but I wouldn't let him."
0_o THE. FUCK. HAPPENED.
Reply
:iconhetaliaamericarussia:
hetaliaamericarussia Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011
so good! ur know in like a weirdly cool way :)
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011
Thank You =D
Reply
:iconhotlinkalli:
hotlinkalli Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011
D'aww how cuutee :3
Reply
:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011
Cute? >.> Suuurree =D I guess crazy England is pretty cute ;)
Reply
:iconsaxophoneplayer123:
Saxophoneplayer123 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Student Writer
This is rrrreeaalllyyy awesome.
Reply
:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011
Thankies =D
Reply
:iconangryhoho:
angryhoho Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2011
wat da shiz...
England sounds sooo...
Pedophilely crazy...
=D
Reply
:iconthis-person:
this-person Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hello, I saw your request on the lit critique thread :) here goes.

First and foremost, some nitpicking:

America's head rested in my lap; eyes overflowing with tears.
His movements became more violent; no longer just squirming.

What follows after a semi-colon should be able to stand alone as an individual sentence; the semi-colon is just there to link the two sentences together.

...I can't always comfort you when ever a storm comes."
"Whenever" is one word.

The candle that laid next to me on the floor flickered in response to America's quick movement. He stared up at me.
I think I understand what you mean, but you might want to clarify it a bit. I don't know what movement America makes as you never state the position of his head before saying that he stared up at the narrator. He could have been doing that all along.

I stroked his soft golden strands of hair through my fingers.
I don't think you stroke through something. Stroking with fingers might be better.

I kissed the top of his head smelling the lavender shampoo he always used.
There needs to be a comma between "head" and "smelling".

The storm really is too frightening for him.
There is a sudden switch to present tense here.

I don't really understand how metal bracelets would hinder one's movements... perhaps you mean handcuffs? Or is the narrator just toning it down because he is delusional?

He tried to free his eyes from my face but I wouldn't let him.
I understand the intended meaning, but it sounds like his eyes are somehow physically attached to the narrator's face. Perhaps trying to break free of the narrator's gaze would sound better.

I wrapped my hand around his chin
The chin doesn't really protrude enough to have a hand wrapped around it. I think a better word would be "cupped".

His heart ran wildly in his chest.
Hearts don't run, they beat.

Tears never ceased.
Here it sounds like you are talking about all tears in general, and not America's tears specifically.

I could feel it. His pain. His sorrow. His fear.
Personally I'd put it as "I could feel it: his pain, his sorrow, his fear". (Semi-colons in place of commas work too.) But it's okay like this as well; though semi-colons are normally used preceding a list.

Overall comments:
This was generally well-written. I could sense the creepy atmosphere (if that's what you were aiming for, hahah). The dialogue is fairly natural and smooth; the only problem I have with this besides the minor mistakes pointed out above is the repetitive nature of sentences, which is prevalent throughout the piece. Some examples:

Rain pelted against the window pane. The harsh wind forced the trees' branches to scratch the side of the house. The candle that laid next to me on the floor flickered in response to America's quick movement. He stared up at me.
The sentence structure here is the same throughout: object, verb, subject.

"You were too young to live on your own. You were too young to know any better. You were too young to know how much you hurt me. YOU WERE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT ME!"
"We'll be together always. We'll love each other always. We'll eat together always. You'll stay a child always. You'll be with me ALWAYS!""

At times this can be used well for dramatic effect, but using it excessively especially in such a short piece just makes it rather boring and repetitive. (This also makes the dialogue sound forced and unnatural.) Some sentence variation would be nice and keep the passage interesting.

I hope you've found this helpful and I wasn't too harsh :dummy:
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2011
I tend to overuse the semi-colon; it's just I love it so much for some odd reason.

I don't really understand how metal bracelets would hinder one's movements... perhaps you mean handcuffs? Or is the narrator just toning it down because he is delusional? England is crazy. "Metal bracelets" is just a metaphor for handcuffs. England doesn't know he's crazy so I wanted him to sound innocent.

He tried to free his eyes from my face but I wouldn't let him. I don't know whether or not to agree with you on this one; I've seen similar descriptions like this before, but I know where you're coming from.

Hearts don't run, they beat. I'm personifying. Clouds don't cry; eyes don't scream; colors aren't loud.

[T]he only problem I have with this besides the minor mistakes pointed out above is the repetitive nature of sentences...
I used repetition for emphasis and to illustrate England's crazy nature. I did feel a little reluctant to put so much repetition in this short piece; it sort of loses its emphasis.

Thank you so much for critiquing my short story for me and don't worry about being "too harsh." Most people who comment on my stories only talk about the story's content and not the sentence structure, grammar, pacing, punctuation, etc. I needed some "nitpicking."
Reply
:iconthis-person:
this-person Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I love it too, but the tilde still holds first place in my heart~

I don't think that's a metaphor, more like a case of biased narrator hahah. But I get what you're saying yep. As for the heart, I guess you could put it like that, I just find it conjures up some rather bizarre images.

Maybe you could use a different form of repetition? For example, at the last part instead of "I won't leave you and you won't leave me. Yes. We'll be together always. We'll love each other always. We'll eat together always. You'll stay a child always. You'll be with me ALWAYS!" you could make him say "We'll be together, love each other... always. Always, always, always...(ugh, semantic satiation)" or something along those lines. It generates the same effect, but sounds less repetitive (I hope).

You're welcome :heart: I guess it helps that I'm not familiar with the fandom so the only thing I can comment on are the techniques hahah.
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:iconlight-kunismygod:
light-kunismygod Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Crazy England... good idea
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011
Thanks =D
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:iconlight-kunismygod:
light-kunismygod Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Np
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:iconsasuke-x-naruto:
Sasuke-X-Naruto Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2011
At first I was like, awww! England is so caring to America! Then I saw duct tape and I was like- "WHUUUUUUT?!" Then I read your description and I was like, OOOOH!! I get it! :XD:

The mind of a crazy person is just as normal as everyone else, but most won't see it that way. Seriously, the duct tape thing was what sold me! :meow:
Reply
:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2011
I'm glad you enjoyed it =D Actually, the mind of a crazy person is quite different but the crazy person themselves won't see it that way. Duct Tape FTW =3
Reply
:iconsasuke-x-naruto:
Sasuke-X-Naruto Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011
If you can fix it with duct tape, then it's not broken! XD
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:iconplinky799:
Plinky799 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2011  Student General Artist
-Giggle giggle- This is AWESOOMMEEE
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2011
Thank You =D
Reply
:iconmissarpeggio:
missarpeggio Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
This is fantastic!
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2011
Thank you =D
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:iconmissarpeggio:
missarpeggio Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
welcome :D
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:iconkyofan111:
Kyofan111 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
. . . . . . uhhh. . . . .
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:iconshikuroxkanno:
ShikuroxKanno Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I am so drawing a picture to this.
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2011
Sweet ^__^ Send me a link when you finish it; I would love to see it =D
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:iconshikuroxkanno:
ShikuroxKanno Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
[link] Ta-Da! :D
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:iconshikuroxkanno:
ShikuroxKanno Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
With pleasure :D
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:iconbrandiphaba:
Brandiphaba Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Very subtle, nice :clap:
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011
Thank you ^__^
Reply
:iconbrandiphaba:
Brandiphaba Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome :)
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:iconrujima:
rujima Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011  Hobbyist Filmographer
holy shit!!!! When i clicked on this and was thinking "Oh a father/son reletionship with these two!" Then i started reading and realize I was right but didn't execpt the dark twist!!!!! I love it great job!!!!!
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011
Thank you =D I'm glad you enjoyed it ^__^
Reply
:icondisasterdamsel:
disasterDamsel Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
This is great, wondefuly written. I was all suprised when it got to the duct tape but, the whole feeling of it suddenly changed and it was so very clever. :XD:
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011
Thank you so much =D
Reply
:icondisasterdamsel:
disasterDamsel Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem. :D :love:
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:icon8charizardgirl8:
8charizardgirl8 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011
*Reading, reading, reading* Wait, DUCT TAPE?! lol

You captured crazy!Iggy so well XD
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011
Thank You =D
Reply
:icon8charizardgirl8:
8charizardgirl8 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011
Are you going to continue this?
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:iconsasako:
Sasako Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011
Maybe; I don't know for sure. If I come up with a good idea that goes along with this I wouldn't mind writing more. If I do it would probably be a mixture of him being in the hospital and him not. We'll see ^__^
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